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One Hundred Rules Of Life Government
I. Etiquette of Wedding Engagements.
T is now the vile and outrageous fashion to announce engagements in the society items of the press. This fashion is an European innovation, entirely unsuited to this country, and is of doubtful merit, except among people so great as to have their marriages a matter of public importance.
2. When an engagement has been formed, the matter should be promptly announced to the members of the two families, and if living sufficiently near, visits should be exchanged; the gentleman's family making the first call.
3. This call should, of course, be returned within a reasonable time.
4. Should the families reside some distance apart, a pleasant interchange of compliments, beginning as above, with the gentleman's family, may take place by letter.
5. Interchanges of presents between the engaged couple are not inappropriate; those of the lady usually consisting of articles of her own handiwork, as a watch-case, slippers, etc
6. The fore-finger of the left hand is the one upon which the engagement ring is worn; the wedding ring is placed upon the third finger (that next to the little finger) of the same hand.
7. An invitation to a lady known to be engaged should include her lover, and if it does not, she is justified in ignoring it.
8. When from any cause it becomes necessary to break an engagement, it should be done in a frank manner. Of course there must be grave cause to justify such a rupture.
9. There should be no absurd jealousies; neither should there be, upon either side, the remotest approach to the vulgar and odious practice of flirting with others. The behavior toward each other should be respectful and tender, but in it there should be nothing of love-sickness
II. The Wedding.
1. WEDDINGS are usually celebrated in the early days of the week, and rarely later than Thursday. The month of May is usually avoided, owing to a superstitious belief in its ill luck. [408]
2. A marriage should never take place in Lent. June, July and August are the months usually chosen by fashionable people in Europe; in this country no particular months seem to have a preference. Forms for wedding invitations will be given among other forms.
3. A private wedding requires neither bridesmaids nor groomsmen; in church there may be any even number not exceeding eight of each.
4. Bridesmaids should be younger than the bride.
5. The principal decoration of the dresses should be flowers.
6. The ornaments of the bride should be few.
7. Plain white of rich fabric with garland and veil is the most appropriate costume.
8. Bridesmaids may wear more jewelry, but should not wear richer dresses than the bride.
9. The "best man," or nearest friend of the groom; should relieve him from all bother incident to the ceremony, and the tour which succeeds it, such as making arrangements, procuring tickets, checking baggage, settling bills, etc.
III. The Ceremony in Church.
1. When married in church, it is the duty of the bridegroom to send a carriage for the minister who is to perform the ceremony.
2. The front seats of the church are usually separated from the others by a white ribbon, and are reserved for the near relatives and friends of the bride and groom.
3. Ushers, wearing each a white rose, are on hand to show guests to seats.
4. The ushers attend the bridal party at the door of the church and escort them to the altar.
5. The procession is formed thus: the "best man" and chief bridesmaid lead the way to the altar, followed by the other attendants, in the order of their preference , Last comes the and followed by the bridegroom with the bride's mother on his arm. Last comes the bride upon the arm of her father.
6. Arriving at the altar; the bride takes her position upon the left of the groom, the bridesmaids standing upon her left, slightly in the rear; the bridegroom's attendants standing to his right, also slightly to the rear. The father, who gives away the bride, stands just behind the young couple, and slightly in advance of the bride's mother.
7. If a ring is to be used, it is the duty of the chief bridesmaid to remove the glove of the bride.
8. The responses should be in a low tone, but clear and distinct. 9. After the ceremony, the first to approach and speak to the bride will be her parents; next, the parents of her husband; then relatives and friends in the order of nearness,
10. The bridegroom now gives his arm to the bride and moves toward the vestry, where he raises her veil and kisses her.
11. She may be also kissed by a few of her female friends and her relatives.
12. A wedding march is appropriate as the exit from the church begins, and as the carriages drive off the church bells should ring merrily.
IV. Wedding Receptions. 1. A SHORT reception is usually given at the bride's home. Those who call to congratulate the happy couple must first address the bride, unless acquainted only with the groom, who will present them. 2. At the wedding feast, the newly-married pair occupy the center of the table, the bride's father and mother sitting, as usual, at the head and foot of the table. The bride sits on the groom's right. 3. After retiring from this meal, the bride changes her dress, putting on her traveling costume. 4. This costume should be neat and quiet. 5. Occasionally the bride is wedded in her traveling dress, but this is seldom the case when the wedding is in church. 6. Upon the return of the bride, she will be assisted in her reception by her mother, sister, or some intimate friend. 7. These calls should be returned within a week.
V. Etiquette of the Road-Traveling.
EVEN in the bustle of railway and steamer travel there is a certain etiquette to be observed. Nothing more severely tests the politeness of a person than the disagree- . Nothing more severely tests the politeness of a person than the disagreeable conditions that able conditions that often attend modern journeying. The crowded car, the impatient , and often the surly and ill-bred servants of railway corporations, try the patience and good breeding of the traveler. To be cool and careful, neither dilatory nor in a violent hurry, and to take matters with imperturbable serenity, mark the man of culture, being familiar with the various modes and miseries of travel.
1. The novice is apt to be too suspicious or too confiding.
2. Few questions should be asked, and when possible, always of railway porters, passenger directors and other public servants.
3. If compelled to ask a question of a stranger, do so in a polite manner, prefacing your question with, Excuse me, sir !'' or, I beg your pardon, sir!" 66
4. To ask questions, especially needless ones, betrays the greatest verdancy, and the questioner is apt to be taken advantage of. 5. If with a friend who is familiar with a city, never appeal for any information about it to a stranger. Such conduct is an insult to the common sense or honesty of your friend.
6. Always, when possible, procure through tickets. Buy your tickets a day in advance, if possible, and thus save haste and confusion. The lower central berths in a sleeping-car are the best.
7. Never thrust your attentions on a lady traveler, but render any assistance in your power. Never attempt to force a conversation or an acquaintance in return for any service.
8. If appealed to, give your advice, but never intrude it.
9. Of course if you should hear false information given or an improper place recommended, you may in a genteel way inform the intended victim of the true state of the case.
10. Never be anxious to trumpet the praises of any hotel. If your opinion is asked, merely say that you put up at such a house and find it well kept, and a desirable stopping place. To a friend who is visiting a strange place, with which you are acquainted, you may recommend a hotel.
11. If requested, or if you see that a lady or gentleman is an invalid, timid, or disabled, you may offer to procure their tickets, check their baggage, etc,
VI. Ladies Traveling-The Escort.
1. IF traveling with a lady, it is your duty to perform for her the services just mentioned.
2. When you reach a city, you should engage a carriage, and see her to her abode. If it is a hotel, escort her to the parlor, excuse yourself, go to the office and register her name, and get a desirable room for her.
3. Then escort her to her door and leave her, having mentioned the hour of the next meal, for which you should await her in the parlor, and to which you should accompany her.
4. It is neither your duty nor your privilege to pay for the tickets of a lady with whom you may be traveling. Small items, such as a dinner, 'bus and car fare, you may pay; but she will prefer to pay any considerable sum herself, and should be allowed to do so, as she thereby retains her self-respect and independence.
5. No lady can afford to accept money favors from any gentleman, save a very near relative.
6. No lady should accept promiscuous attentions when traveling; to do so is unwise and dangerous.
7. If any person seeks to intrude himself upon a lady, the proper reserve will generally cause him to resume his distance. Should this not be sufficient, an appeal to the conductor or other official will secure her from further annoyance.
8. Among ladies, it is customary to take turn about in paying street car fares, also for lunches, ices, etc. 9. In this matter, there should be a reciprocity; a lady who suffers her friend to pay all such little costs is wanting in breeding. Such conduct in a man would be called selfish vulgarity, and he would be promptly denounced as a "sponge."
VII. General Rules for Traveling.
1. In traveling, be considerate of others. Never occupy two seats while others are standing.
2. Make way promptly and pleasantly; not as if you were doing a favor, but only granting a just right.
3. Never keep your window open, if it annoys a lady, or even a gentleman who is an invalid, or weaker or much older than yourself.
4. You are not obliged to continue an acquaintance begun while traveling, though if mutually agreeable there is no reason why a friendship may not be formed thus.
5. Never permit a lady to stand while you are seated. An aged gentleman demands the same courtesy.
6. Never enter into disputes with either passengers or officials. Avoid all causes of contention. If any imposition is practiced, it may be remedied by an appeal to the higher officials of the company, or if they should refuse to act, by bringing the matter into court.
7. Avoid all games of chance with strangers, however innocent they may seem. It is only a very silly person who is ready to volunteer to assist in making up a game of cards with strangers. A gambler, able to protect himself against swindling, might do so with impunity, but a gentleman can not afford to take such chances.
8. Avoid any exhibitions of activity in getting on and off trains while in motion, or springing to a wharf before a steamer has fairly landed. The slightest slip may cause a loss of a limb or of life.
VIII. Etiquette in Washington.
THE etiquette of the courts of Europe is firmly established by a code of enactment, as rigorously observed as is the civil, or penal code of the country. 1. Even at our national capital, a code has been agreed upon, to prevent the frequent clashing of rival claims. The order of public precedence has been fixed thus:
First, The President and members of his family.
Second, Heads of Departments.
Third, Governors of States.
Fourth, Justices of the Supreme Court.
Fifth, Members of Congress.
Sixth, The Diplomatic Corps.
Seventh, Military and Naval Officers.
Eighth, All others.
2. This is the order of reception on the First of January and the Fourth of July, when the public receptions of the President are held, beginning at noon. 3. On all other occasions the Supreme Judges rank next to the President and Vice-President.
4. The Vice-President pays a final call on the President on the assembling of Congress.
5. From all others he is entitled to the first call. These calls he may return in person or by card.
6. The members of the Supreme Bench call upon the President and Vice-President on the meeting of their court, which is in December. Also on New Year's day and the Fourth of July.
7. From all others they are entitled to the first call, and thus, socially, outrank all others, except the President and Vice-President.
8. Cabinet members must call first upon the President, Vice-President, the Supreme Judges, Senators, and the Speaker of the House.
9. All others must call first upon them.
10. Senators call first upon President and Vice-President, upon the Supreme Judges, and the Speaker of the House.
11. They are entitled to the first call from all others.
12. The Speaker of the House calls first upon the President, Vice-President, and Judges of the Supreme Court; but all others must call first upon him.
13. Members of the House of Representatives call upon the President, Vice- President, Supreme Judges, their Speaker, Senators, Cabinet Ministers, and Foreign Ministers.
14. Foreign Ministers call upon the President, Vice-President, Cabinet Officers, the Supreme Justices, and Speaker of the House. All others should call first upon them. Judges of the Court of Claims rank next in social order.
15. The wives of cabinet ministers hold receptions every Wednesday from two or three o'clock until half past five. Their houses are open to all. Refreshments, generally of a light character, as coffee, chocolate, tea, cakes, etc., are provided. Callers at their Wednesday receptions are entitled to two return calls; the first by the ladies of the family who have the official card of the minister; the second call is an invitation to an evening reception.
16. Cabinet officers are expected to entertain almost all governmental officials and members of the Diplomatic corps and their families at dinner parties. With other officials, as Senators, Representatives, etc., it is optional whether they entertain or not.
IX. Etiquette of Shopping.
It is impossible for the well-bred person to treat any one with wanton rudeness, and in fact a due amount of consideration for all is the strongest mark of good breeding.
1. Though a person may be employed for no other purpose than to wait upon all comers, yet he or she is entitled to polite and considerate treatment. It is only the rude and boorish who treat with scorn or roughness any of those whom they may deem their inferiors.
2. The truly gracious and refined see in an humble position still the greater need for courteous treatment, lest they may add further bitterness to a lot already sufficiently hard.
3. To go into a shop, ask the clerk to pull down a lot of goods, look them over, and cause him to lose his temper, and probably soil the goods, without any intention of buying, is neither fair nor honest. Such a proceeding is a theft of his time, and discredits him in the eyes of his employer, who thinks he should have made a sale.
4. Many well-bred ladies, who desire an article and cannot find it, reward the clerk's patience with a small purchase, if they can find at his counter anything they can use.
5. Should a stranger be examining goods, never touch them until she has finished her examination.
6. Never volunteer favorable or unfavorable opinions as to the merits of goods. If a friend asks an opinion, you may give it politely and mildly.
7. Never speak about goods you may have seen in other shops; if you do not like the goods exhibited, take your leave in a quiet way.
8. Some clerks seek to influence a sale by making the statement that Mrs. (naming usually some wealthy or well-known person) has just ordered a pattern from it. This is exceedingly silly, and is a reflection upon the taste and judgment of the examiner, as well as an insult to her independence. Merchants should discourage such ignorance among their clerks.
9. Never haggle over prices. Deal only at stores where there is one price, and where every one is treated alike. No honest merchant has two prices for his goods; one for the unwary and ignorant, the other for the shrewd and haggling buyer.
10. The largest and oldest shops in cities are usually the best; as large and stable businesses can only be built up by honest dealing.
11. Treat all with whom you come in contact with courtesy, from the merchant to the cash-boy. Remember all of them have rendered you some equivalent for the money you may have spent.
X. Special Rules of Etiquette.
1. BE cool, quiet and self-possessed in all situations.
2. When you enter a room, bow to all therein. You can afterwards more particularly salute your friends.
3. Never go into company with soiled clothing: use no musk, and remove all offensive odors from clothes and person.
4. "Cleanliness is next to godliness," and is one of the cardinal points of good breeding. 5. Be courteous to all ladies, whatever may be their rank. 6. Gentlemen never cast slurs upon the softer sex, and he is churlish, as well as ill-bred, who maligns woman in general.
7. Shakspeare gives many excellent general rules for social government, amongst them: "Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar," showing that even among friends intimacy should not degenerate into vulgar disregard of all conventionalities
8. Beware of sudden familiarities.
9. Your dress should be of as rich material as you can afford. but not flashy. In cut and color it should be quiet and modest.
10. Be prompt in keeping engagements and punctual in meeting all obligations.
11. Avoid borrowing or lending. No man can be independent and but few honest when in debt.
12. In speaking of friends and acquaintances to others, no matter how intimate, give them the prefix of Mr., Miss or Mrs., as the case demands.
13. Avoid sneering and sarcasm.
14. Be not witty at the expense of another; no humor is permissible but that which is perfectly innocent.
15. Punning is a weak apology for wit, and should be eschewed.
16. Never look over anyone's shoulder while reading a book, paper or letter.
17. Never search through a card basket or an album unless invited.
18. Do not be ashamed to tender an apology, if in the wrong. Always accept one with gentle courtesy.
19. If a secret is intrusted to you, never reveal it; it is neither honorable nor honest to give away that which is not yours.
20. Exaggeration is foolish. If you must speak, speak the truth.
21. Never display any form of curiosity; it is a despicable trait of character to be curious about things that do not concern you.
22. Never flatter. A delicate compliment may be innocently offered and well received, but flattery is odious.
23. Do not whisper in society, and avoid signaling to friends in company.
24. Avoid the use of languages unknown to the generality of the company
25. Never be dogmatic, nor make dictatorial assertions.
26. In entering a house, even your own, always remove your hat, and do not be boisterous or restless.
27. It is better to have no associations than to have evil ones. Good books or good thoughts are better than evil companions.
28. Never back your opinions with an oath or a bet.
29. Avoid all profanity, loud talking and boisterous merriment.
30. At the breakfast table, politely salute all assembled, if it be the first time of meeting for that day. A cheerful "good morning" should be passed between the members of the home circle.
31. Of course, no gentleman will chew tobacco in a church, parlor, or in the presence of ladies. 32. Be natural. Avoid eccentricity and affectation. 33. Do not ape any one. 34. Your room is the place for making your toilet. Do not arrange your clothing in company. 35. In company avoid paring or cleaning your nails, picking your teeth, scratching your head, etc. 36. Be not egotistical nor pompous. These faults would cloud the most brilliant genius; how much more so mere ordinary mortals. ness. 37. Volunteer your aid to any lady in distress, or to an invalid or aged person. 38. You cannot afford to let one beneath you in station exceed you in polite-
Be courteous to every one. 39. Boast of nothing; especially not of your wealth, since that is the least qualification of a gentleman. 40. A wife or husband should speak respectfully of each other, and should be mentioned as Mr. -, or Mrs. - 41. Ostentation is silly and vulgar. 42. Never make your ailments or your troubles a topic of conversation, but treat sympathetically those who do. 43. Never contradict in a rude manner. Always point out a mistake with gentle courtesy. 44. Never soil or mark a book that has been lent to you. Return it in good order; and, if unavoidably injured, return it and a fresh copy also. 45. Never correct a person in grammar, deportment, or in a mistake that does not implicate you in a wrong. 46. Never remark upon the personal deformity or mental peculiarities c acquaintances. 47. Upon the street, the lady must first recognize the gentleman. 48. In dancing, gloves should always be worn. 49. You have no right to forget an engagement. To do so without a prompt and ample apology is equivalent to an insult. 50. A promise made must be carried out, if possible, at any cost. 51. No lady ever sneers at, or comments upon, the dress of another in the streets. 52. Avoid all slang and florid adjectives. The conversation, like the manners and the morals, should be quiet, chaste, and simple. 53. Learn to say "No," to all evil invitations and promptings; the true gentleman should be courageous as well as kind. 54. No amount of learning, wit and genius can atone for coarseness and illbreeding. 55. Depend neither on wit, wealth, nor raiment for your status in society.
XI. George Washington's One Hundred Rules of Life Government. BUT few men display, as did the "Father of his Country," the varied talents of the soldier, the statesman, the farmer, and the man of business, and if the code of self-government, which he is said to have prescribed to himself at the early age of thirteen, had anything to do with his success-and no doubt it did it is certainly worthy of the deep consideration of all.
1. Every action in company ought to be some sign of respect to those present.
2. In the presence of others sing not to yourself with a humming noise, nor drum with your fingers or feet.
3. Speak not when others speak, sit not when others stand, and walk not when others stop.
4. Turn not your back to others, especially in speaking.
5. Be no flatterer; neither trifle with any one that does not delight in such familiarities.
6. Read no letters, books or papers, in company except when necessary; then ask to be excused.
7. Come not near the books or writing of any one so as to read them unasked.
8. Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters somewhat grave.
9. Show not yourself glad at the misfortunes of another, though he were your enemy.
10. They that are in dignity or office have in all places precedency; but whilst they are young they ought to respect those that are their equals in birth or other qualities, though they have no public charge.
11. It is good manners to prefer those to whom we speak before ourselves, especially if they be above us-with whom in no sort should we take the lead.
12. Let your discourse with men of business be short and comprehensive.
13. In writing or speaking give to every one his due title, according to his degree and the custom of the place.
14. Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit your judgment to others with modesty.
15. When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well, blame not him that did it.
16. It being necessary to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it ought to be done in public or in private, presently or at some other time, also in what terms to do it.
17. In reproving any one, do it with no sign of choler, but with sweetness and mildness.
18. Mock not, nor jest at anything of importance.
19. Break no jests that are sharp and biting.
20. Laugh not at your own wit.
21. Wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself, for example is more impressive than precept. 22. Use no vituperative language against any one. 23. Avoid all blasphemy. 24. Be not hasty to believe disparaging reports against any one. 25. Avoid all gossip and scandal. 26. In your dress be modest. Affect nothing singular or unusual. 27. Go to no extreme of fashion; be well but not gaudily dressed. 28. Play not the peacock, looking about on every side to see if you be well decked. 29. Never play with your dress in company, nor look at yourself to see if your clothes fit, or if they be awry. 30. Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. 31. It is better to be alone than in evil company 32. Let your conversation be without malice or envy. 33. When angry, beware of haste; give reason time to resume her sway. 34. Do not urge any one to discover to you his secrets. 35. To reveal the secrets of another is base and dishonest. 36. Do not tell extravagant or marvelous stories. 37. Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grown or learned men. 38. Do not discourse on learned subjects to the ignorant, neither use obscure words or language in conversation with them. 39. Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth, nor at the table. Never speak of melancholy things at inappropriate times; of death and wounds; and if others mention them, change if you can the discourse. 40. If you must tell your dreams, do so only to intimate friends. 41. Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth. 42. Laugh not loudly, nor at all without occasion. 43. Do not talk loudly, nor exhibit a boisterous demeanor. 44. Deride no man's misfortunes, though there seem to be cause to do so; neither laugh at the calamity of any one. 45. Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor in earnest; scoff at none, even though they give occasion. 46. Be not forward, but friendly and courteous. 47. Salute all who pay you that courtesy; hear and answer politely. 48. During a conversation affect not sad and pensive airs, or abstraction. 49. Neither detract from others nor be excessive in commending. 50. Go not where you are doubtful of a welcome. 51. Give no advice without being asked; then let it be brief. 52. When two are contending take not the part of either. 53. In indifferent matters, go with the majority 54. Do not presume to correct the mistakes of others; that is the privilege of parents, masters and superiors. 55. Gaze not rudely on any one, neither note their deformities or peculiarities. 56. Do not use any foreign tongue in company, except to one ignorant of English. nose.
ETIQUETTE OF THE WEDDING, THE ROAD AND THE CAPITAL. 57. Let your conversation be modest, and your language that of good society. 58. Speak plainly; do not drawl out your words, nor speak through your 59. Treat solemn and sacred things with reverence. 60. Let your conversation indicate thought; silence is better than idle talk. 61. When another is speaking, be attentive. Should he hesitate for words, do not supply them. Never interrupt another while talking. 62. Select the proper time to talk upon any kind of business. 63. Never whisper in the company of others. 64. Make no odious comparisons. 65. Should you hear any one commended for any act, commend not another for the same or a greater action. 66. Be not curious to learn the affairs of others. 67. Never intrude yourself upon others that speak in private. 68. Undertake not what you cannot perform; make no promises you cannot fulfill. 69. Never attempt in an argument to bully others; give to every one perfect liberty in expressing himself, and always be willing to submit to the majority. 70. Be not tedious in discourse; make not many digressions, nor repeat the same tales. 71. Speak not ill of the absent; it is both cowardly and unjust. 72. Let all your pleasures be pure and manly. 73. Neither speak nor laugh when your superiors are talking; listen respectfully and without impatience. 73. Never be angry at the table; if annoyed, conceal your vexation, lest others, too, be made unhappy. 74. Jog not the table or desk at which another is reading or writing. 75. Lean not on any one, nor slap friends and acquaintances on the back or shoulder. age. 76. Affect not singularity in dress, manner or conversation. 77. Avoid many and extravagant adjectives. 78. Never look on when another is reading or writing. 79. Avoid sudden friendships. 80. Distrust those that protest vehemently. 81. Make no friendships with silly or evil persons. 82. Never seem to indorse any one that is disreputable. 83. It is best to avoid association with those who show any disrespect for old
84. Observe the customs of those older and wiser than yourself 85. Avoid becoming a borrower or lender of money. 86. Never do any action of which you have not well studied the consequences. 87. Be neither prodigal nor miserly; avoid both extremes.